Letting Her Cry May Be The Best Thing For The Relationship

Over nine years of marriage has taught me … the best you can do is nothing.

My wife’s tears stream down and dampen my shoulder. My arms surround her as I try to slow her breathing by taking deep cleansing breaths. She starts mimicking me as I begin a mantra, “Everything is going to be alright.” This repetitive statement is all I can muster as I’m at a lost for words. If you were in the room with us you would have thought I was cool as a cucumber but if you could peek into my soul you’d know I was more like a volcano preparing to erupt.

When it comes down to it, I hate seeing the women I love cry.  My innate reaction is to figure out the problem and fix it. I want to stop the pain or if possible dish out retribution. It’s like I’m transformed into Liam Neeson in one of his revenge movies. I want to start busting heads and taking names later. Be the heroic champion defending the sensibilities of the women he loves.

Sadly this isn’t a motion picture and in real life acting like Liam Neeson would only get me killed or arrested. Furthermore the cause of the tears isn’t always cut and dry. Sometimes the women I love may be crying for something that has no solution. No bad guy to vanquish.

It may sound hopeless but I’ve come to learn over nine years of marriage, three girls and a Masters in Counseling Psychology that the best you can do is nothing. Well, I don’t mean nothing like being emotionally unavailable. That would be horrible and probably lead to more crying or you might get the remote control thrown at your head.

What I mean is to actively listen.

This basically means trying to hear and understand the tears. In one of my counseling classes the professor shared with the class that when someone is crying you shouldn’t give them a tissue. Why? It can be perceived as a nonverbal gesture to stop the water works. You don’t want that to happen especially when the client is releasing their emotional baggage, which could be another reason for the tears.

To actively listen means you need to take your eyes off the tv or some other technological device and observe. Ask open ended questions like, “What are your tears trying to say?” or “What do you want me to do?” These types of questions allow the person the space to share whatever they’d like. It’s especially good to ask the second question if you’ve never helped someone who is crying before.

In addition to the questions, you should also reflect what the person is saying. For instance, when someone is crying they can blubber or their thoughts aren’t stringing together in a coherent manner. Don’t just nod at what their saying. That’s not helping anyone and you don’t want to be tested on what was said when it’s time to deal with the issue bothering her. Instead, ask her if you heard correctly and repeat what she said. You may feel stupid or she may feel like she’s being patronized but if you’re doing it for understanding those reasons aren’t enough to not use the art of reflection.

Listening also means reading body language. Sometimes there are people who withhold their tears but you can tell their sad. Their posture and face betray them. When you notice this you can give them feedback by telling them what you see.

“I notice you don’t want to make eye contact with me.” or “You seem to be lost in thought is something on your mind?”

Don’t be afraid of making a wrong observation because it will happen and when it does just let her know that you’re concerned. Let her know you want to understand how she’s feeling. You love her and just want to be supportive.

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